(no subject)

she said she'd forget about me. my mom said that she'd forget about me. i'm sitting here so brokenhearted that i don't know what to do. it's hard for me to do anything but cry. i need to talk to someone but they're not home, so the next best thing is to get out in here. it all started when i didn't call her right after school. i was in such a rush to get to swim practice that i didn't give it a thought to call her. i thought she would understand. i got home at 6 and called her only to have my dad tell me i'm in big trouble. i thought ' this is it, she's going to take away my cell phone, which i'm fine with.' i didn't want her to continue worrying. she's been having stomach aches the last few nights when the doctor reassured us that she wouldn't anymore. i called her again, ready to give up my cell phone. i confessed and i said i was sorry... i was ready to stand by my word, to stand by the numerous promises i've made to her, but she threw me a curve ball. she said that i wouldn't be able to have one again. now, it seems incredibly materialistic of me to not want that to happen but it dawned on me that i wouldn't be able to call her long distance. if i were to go to college in new york, i could never phone back (of course there's long distance but the cell phone seems much cheaper...). i was really scared, i'll tell you. and saddened. i told her that i didn't want it to happen. we got into a one sided argument and she basically told me that she would forget about me. because i don't call her after school, because i think it's such a hassle to call her, she'd forget about me. she compared me to my aunt who moved to colorado, she compared me to my grandparents. she would forget about them as she would me. i don't know. i know she didn't mean what she said...but... what if it's true? i'm going through so many conflicts right now and i might be at my all time most emotional peak. i just can't bear the thought that she would. even her saying it is so painful. i've always had one person in my life that i thought would always be there for me. it is evident throughout my childhood and i don't know if i can handle the thought of losing her. we don't have the most healthy relationship in the world but it hurts me to have her say, indirectly, that i will forget about her. i know it's her fear and apparently it's mine. i don't know what to do. it hurts way too much and with all the things i'm going through besides this, i don't know if i can stop crying. but one comforting thought is that i will. and i won't know where to go from there.

jw